A Journey In My Head
Van Gogh, Wheatfields With Crows, 1890
Shakespeare provides me an apt description of how I sometimes go to bed:
Weary with toil, I haste me to my bed,
The dear repose for limbs with travel tired;
But then begins a journey in my head,
To work my mind, when body’s work’s expired. Sonnet 27
Do you too sometimes take a journey in your head when you hit the pillow? I know exactly what Shakespeare’s talking about. At the end of a long evening, I feel ready to go to bed, looking forward to those soft covers, longing for a peaceful, restoring sleep. Enough with all the chatter of this noisy world, shouting at us every minute, reminding us there is one more thing to worry about, one more thing to buy, one more thing to keep up with, one more book to read.
So often I’m ready for rest. Why then does that journey in my head begin again? Why do I start “to work my mind”? Why is this happening? Well, I suppose, I carry this illusion that I am going to fix things, fix the world, fix my life, fix the worries of my friends and loved ones. I’ve been in this fixit mode for most of my life. I’ve been coached and conditioned to believe the ludicrous notion that I am in control, and if things are not going well, I am called upon to get things right.
But why, oh why, do I churn so much? Why, do I rise at 1 AM to walk around the house pondering, stressing out, trying to fix my life and my world?
Over the last month and a half I was without my computer. I know, I know, I am not supposed to be so attached to these things, to be so dependent. But try it. Go cold turkey. Put your computer on hold in a closet for two weeks and see how dependent you too have become. And so I was stressing over getting my computer back for the work I imagined to be so important.
But here’s what I want to report. Suddenly, out of nowhere, I could hear God’s voice, yes, at about 1 AM, saying plainly, “stop worrying so much about your computer.” It was a real voice. It blew me away. And just as suddenly this weight of stress about my computer was lifted! Really, I no longer need to worry about my computer?
Through this episode I kept asking whether God cares about my computer. I asked some friends at church whether it is appropriate to pray that your computer will be up and working again soon. Does God really care about my computer? I’m not sure about any of that, but I was struck with wonder when I heard the voice that lifted me out of my stressing and told me I no longer needed to worry. Just wait.
The Psalmist knows this counsel about waiting, such a challenge for fixit people like me and you. Here’s the way he sees it:
Well I know that I shall see the goodness of the LORD
in the land of the living.
Wait for the LORD; be strong and brave,
and put your hope in the LORD. Psalms 27:13-14
I may not feel I’m in the land of the living walking around my living room in the middle of the night. But the Psalmist promises otherwise, even here you will “see the goodness of the Lord.” He is alive. He is beside you. He cares for you. If you don’t see it in this moment, just wait: “Put your hope in the Lord.”
In my last blog, I reported how much I am seeing among various writers and through various conversations that God is choosing to show his goodness in the land of the living. This is happening to people like you and me, these moments of illumination. It is also seeping just a bit into our flat, lifeless culture. People are struck by the wonder and mystery and beauty of it all. God shows up even in the midst of our stressful nights and brings goodness and hope.
When this happens, says the prophet Isaiah, “climb to a mountaintop . . . raise your voice and shout aloud.” Isaiah 40:9 This is “good news” you are carrying. Tell someone. Spread it around—“your God is here.” He will take care of things, both big and small. Just wait.